Saturday, September 09, 2006

Another Jessica Simpson Being Hot Moment

Pardon us for our recent Jessica Simpson orgy, but she's been appearing on just about every talk show lately so I feel inclined to include as many pictures as I can from those appearances.

For now, a shot of Jessica showing off her intimate things on The View.

One of the Funniest Movies You Will Ever See

F Snakes on a Plane. Screw Pirates of the Caribbean. Ricky Bobby can eat it. The movie you NEED to see is Borat, coming out this November. Actually, the full title is Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan.

The film stars Sacha Baron Cohen (above, also known as Ali G). And just to give some quick props to this guy, he's dating the "Stage 5 Clinger Virgin" from Wedding Crashers, the smoking hot Isla Fisher.

Since words can't begin to explain the awesomeness of this movie, view the 2 trailers below to see for yourself. More info on Borat here.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Today's Creepy News - Man Selling MLB Player's Wife's Dress

This is just strange.

The photo you see here was actually edited on (his wife was taken out of the picture). But somehow, a fan stalker got a hold of this dress and is selling it on Ebay.

From the auction page -

"This auction is for the Famous Brown Dress worn by Melissa Lima while her husband, Jose, sang the National Anthem before a Los Angeles Dodgers baseball game. This auction also includes the 8X10 glossy color photograph of Melissa, Jose and Jose, Jr. shown below. If requested, prior to shipping, Melissa will personalize an autograph on the photo.

This photograph of Melissa in the dress drew world wide attention and the photograph was later cropped to take Melissa Lima out of the picture. To say the least, there was considerable controversy regarding both the photograph and the dress.

This dress is a size medium and 100 percent cotton. It measures 38" long from the top of the shoulder straps to the bottom of the dress. It is 13" across at the bust. Obviously, there is considerable stretch and give in this material. The Maker / Designer is "Velvet".

This dress & photograph would look great in a game room or sports bar. It would most definitely be a conversation piece for years to come. Melissa has been voted the hottest MLB baseball wife on"

Great in a game room or sports bar? Who the fuck hangs up a dress in their game room? The only thing I'd do with that dress is run a black light over it.

Happy Girl on Girl Friday!

It's Friday! And you know what that means.

A big thanks to everyone for making this site such a mini-success already. And thanks even more for the emails. We love feedback! Positive or negative, we'll take it all. Have an excellent weekend peoples.

P.S. - if you're looking for last week's girl on girl Friday post, click here

Coolest Photo You'll See Today

This really has nothing to do with anything, but someone on a forum I occasionally visit, took this beautiful shot of the moon. Sure it's a bit over-saturated, giving it an almost "fake" effect, but it's 100% real.

Full 1600 x 1200 desktop sized version available here

Jessica Simpson Looks (and sounds) Hot on Leno

click to enlarge

Here's Jessica Thursday night on Leno, looking damn good. And because of her recent voice issues, she even sounded kind of hot. Hey, miracles do happen people.

And while we may not like the girl, we never said she wouldn't get it... twice!

EDIT - 2nd pic added

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Who Had The Shittiest Day - Paris or Lindsay?

This is a bit ironic, considering the two are rumored to hate each other's guts.

On the same day that Paris Hilton was arrested for a DUI, Lindsay Lohan was robbed today at London's Heathrow airport.

Returning from her recent trip to Venice, Lohan's Hermes Birkin bag, containing her asthma medication and a "quantity of jewelry," was stolen.

Lindsay's publicist, Leslie Sloane-Zelnick, says, "Lindsay is begging for the return of the items," Sloane says. "She doesn't care how she gets them back, she just wants her stuff back."

A source close to the theft indicates Lohan's stolen valuables may be worth over $1 million.

Lindsay had her purse stolen (well, she left it somewhere) a few years ago and somebody found a small bag of coke inside. It's alleged she paid the person a few thousand dollars to return it and to never talk about the incident. I wonder what was in this Hermes bag. Today is definitely a shitty day to be a rich, spoiled, bitch of a celeb.

NFL on NBC - Pink has a Penis

We've now gone on record as saying 2 "women" have penises.
The only thing we're not sure of is whose got the biggest? Suzy or Pink? Watch the video below of NBC's NFL opening night and you decide!

- Throw a punch.

- Flex your bicep.

- Snarl your upper lip, Billy Idol style.

A Drunken Scarlett Johansson Breaks into Someone's Place

Scarlett Johansson was mortified after she mistakenly broke into her neighbor's apartment after coming home drunk and going to the wrong door. The star came home after a big night on the town and charged into an apartment thinking that it was her own.

She explains, "I was coming home, it was very late, mind you, it was like four in the morning. Maybe I'd had like one too many champagne cocktails, or whatever... But I got home, of course I wasn't driving, and I opened my door and it wasn't my kitchen! It was somebody else's kitchen and I left and I realized my key opens up somebody else's door in my building. It like slides right in and opens it up!

I sure wouldn't mind if she broke into my place. I might even let her hang out and stuff ; )


Paris Hilton Arrest Pictures

As a follow-up to our Paris Hilton getting arrested for a DUI story, here are exclusive pics (thanks TMZ!) of Paris getting cuffed and taken away by L.A's finest. "Awesome" isn't even close to being the perfect word to describe these. What's the word for "so fucking kick ass multiplied by infinity"?

Man Arrested for Stealing $7mil - But That's Only Half of it

After getting arrested for stealing $7 million from your company to fuel your gambling habit, I'm sure you'd feel like you just got kicked in the satchel and life couldn't possibly get worse. That is, until you get bailed out by your wife... and your girlfriend.

An executive charged with stealing $7 million from his company to fuel a gambling habit hit the daily double yesterday when his wife and his mistress appeared in court together to bail him out of jail.

Yoshio Yamaki, 56, bowed to the two women in his life as they stepped forward in Brooklyn Federal Court to sign a $350,000 bond freeing the former president of Sigma USA after six weeks behind bars at the Metropolitan Detention Center.

Magistrate Judge Lois Bloom uncovered the love-triangle after she asked a few routine questions of the bond-signers.

"I am the wife," Hiroko Yamaki informed Bloom through an interpreter.

"I met him in a restaurant. ... We live together," explained Megumi Tsuji, who is a hostess in a Japanese restaurant.

The judge appeared momentarily flustered and explained she did not intend to embarrass the women. "Mr. Yamaki, you are an incredibly lucky man," Bloom said.

Yamaki had phoned his wife last January to say he wasn't coming home to their Long Island apartment before moving into Tsuji's apartment in Queens.

In two previous attempts he had failed to get a bail package together, but finally managed to persuade the wife of 23 years to help him out.

According to court papers, Yamaki went on betting sprees in Atlantic City, Las Vegas, the Bahamas and Connecticut. A tipster blew the whistle on him in an anonymous e-mail to his older brother and company chairman Michihiro Yamaki, who founded Sigma, a top camera maker.

Now that just sucks. We hope he enjoys his time in prison with a new wife and girlfriend, who will both have a penis.


Lesbian Bride Punched in Face at Her Wedding

What's more fun than a lesbian wedding? (besides a lesbian honeymoon) - a brawl at a lesbian wedding!

A lesbian bride was left with a black eye when her gay wedding ended in a mass punch-up in the UK.

Up to 20 guests were said to have brawled at the reception after a comment made by a male relative. He then fled in the bridal car, complete with white ribbons, as police and ambulance crews arrived.

Trouble flared shortly after 9.30pm. Vanessa was punched in the face, and left sobbing for her honeymoon in Turkey.

A male guest also needed first aid to a facial injury — and the bash ended early to prevent any further trouble.

What a shame..... that the guests couldn't stick around to watch the bride and bride get drunk and make out on the dance floor.

Paris Hilton Busted While Driving Drunk

What a shitty week for Paris Hilton. Last Thursday night, she was photographed CRYING after being denied access to a VMA post-party at NYC hotspot Bungalo 8.

Fast forward to one week later (today), she was arrested on a DUI charge late last night / early this morning.

Police confirmed that Hilton failed field sobriety tests and blew over the legal .08 blood alcohol content limit.

Her spokesperson is already spinning the story, claiming Paris was driving home from a charity event where she had one drink. She was "shooting a music video" for her album earlier that day and the DUI symptoms were likely from having an empty stomach and working all day.

Oooooo K! It's about time she got arrested for driving like an asshole. Last November, she let her drunk ex-boyfriend crash her $200,000+ Bentley while the paparazzi recorded the whole thing. No arrest then. Guess it was only a matter of time.

We love when gazillionaires fuck up and their lives spiral out of control!


Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Britney's Daughter to be Named....


That's what the NY Daily News is reporting as Britney Spears' second child's name.

She claims the name Jailynn is in honor of her parents, Jamie and Lynn; and her little sister, Jamie Lynn. The child is also reportedly set to be delivered via C-section and will share the same birthday as Sean Preston, September 14.

While it's way easy to shit on Britney nowadays, at least she's not naming her kid Moonbounce or something. A lot of these celebs get retarded with their kids' names so it's good to see a few celeb babies with half-normal names. Even if it is a combination of 3 family members' names. Good for you Brit.

Now get a fucking divorce and move back to Louisiana so you can raise these little tater tots with your parents.

Sony Again Drops the Ball on PS3 Launch

During this year's big E3 videogame conference in L.A., Sony promised the world that 1 million Playstation 3 systems would be launched worldwide.

Those who know better, knew not to believe the B.S. these guys were feeding us this time around. And sure enough, Sony just announced that the "worldwide" launch is actually going to only be Japan and North America. Oh, and that 1 million systems at launch? Well, it's more like 500,000.

Give Sony credit though, they held the videogame console crown for the past few years. But due to their stupidity (and a $600 price tag), it's time to give up the title boys. Thanks for playing.

Baseball Broadcaster Blyleven Blurts Out F Bomb

On the "Funny Live TV" scale, nothing beats someone saying "Fuck" and not realizing they are live. So imagine how funny it would be if someone said "Fuck" twice before realizing they were live. Check this clip for a "fucking, fucked" laugh from this past weekend.

Edit - the F up happens around the :45 second mark

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Dummy Burglar Lays Down Gun, Gets Shot

In Fort Worth, TX yesterday - a suspected burglar was shot with his own gun.

The burglar knocked on the front door to see if anyone was home. When nobody answered, he broke in through the rear patio door.

The homeowner wasn't able to answer the door right away, but when he looked to see who was there, he found a gun lying on his sofa.

He picked up the gun then walked into a bedroom where he noticed the burglar going through his stuff. The burglar reached for his pockets and the homeowner shot him... several times!

Fortunately for the burglar, he remains in critical condition but is expected to survive his injures, police officials said Tuesday.

Let's hope the burglar doesn't try to work the system like this dickhead tried to do.


Top 10 Jackass Stunts

Nothing beats the original Jackass boys doing their thing.
Here is a site celebrating their top 10 stunts.

One of my personal faves skit is below.

Remember hookers and hookettes, Jackass Number Two is in theaters September 22.

For the Ladies - Justin Timberlake Rolling Stone Cover

Here's a shot of the upcoming Rolling Stone cover featuring Future Sex / Love Sounds' Justin Timberlake (click to enlarge)

Look familiar?

Suri Alien Cruise to Finally be Revealed

Crazy Tom Cruise and hostage wife... I mean, fiance... I mean, beard... Katie Holmes plan to show off their baby Suri in the new issue of Vanity Fair tomorrow.

And unlike Brad & Angelina, who sold their baby daughter's pictures and donated the money to charity, something tells us crazy Tom and hostage Katie will need all the money they can get.

Vanity Fair was obviously the high bidder in the Suri picture sweepstakes. Not that anyone even cares anymore.


(Update - Suri is now available for the world to see here)

New Logo Submission

We love it!!

Russians Love to Have Sex While Speeding and Drinking

Sticking to our "sex in cars" theme, a recent poll in Russia showed that 25% have had sex while driving.

According to the research, Russians also do not use seatbelts, break speed-limits, drive through red lights, drive drunk and have sex while driving much more often than other Europeans do.

This reminds me of a joke I heard from a Russian guy one day. He told me, "I don't like to get drunk around my wife. It's awful when she doubles."

But after seeing his wife, I'm pretty sure he was serious.


Kids Watch Man Have Sex With Hooker in Limo

A man and a prostitute in Michigan were having sex inside a limousine. So why's that a big deal? you may ask yourself. Well, most limousines' windows are tinted, so you could do whatever the hell you want inside and nobody will see. But not this limo. This limo was anchored in a trailer park while some guy went to town on a prostitute and within minutes, quite a large crowd gathered around... including children.

Because of the children, the adults yelled at the pair to stop, but they kept on going. At one point, the witnesses noticed the woman in the limo as their neighbor.

And after doing their business, the limo drove off while the woman got out and walked home to her double-wide.

When questioned by police, the woman said "I gotta do what I gotta do for my kids and family."

Unfortunately the article fails to mention that the children watching the action in the limo, were actually her's.


Monday, September 04, 2006

Happy Labor Day!

Happy Labor Day to everyone. Hopefully the weather is nice where you are and you're able to enjoy today outdoors.

The CooterPunch crew's Labor Day will be looking just like this.
We wish everyday was Labor Day!

Priest Walks On Water ... and dies

A priest in west Africa took his beliefs a bit too far and died while trying to demonstrate how Jesus walked on water.

I don't know if re-enacting stories from the Bible is such a good idea. But I'm sure it's challenging.

In fact, I don't have shit to do tomorrow... I'm thinking about parting a sea... or if I have enough time, building a big ass boat and snatching up 2 of every animal species on the planet.

Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin Killed... by a Stingray

THE Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin, is dead.

He was killed in a freak accident in Cairns, police sources said today.

It is understood he was killed by a stingray barb that went through his chest.

He was swimming off the Low Isles at Port Douglas filming an underwater documentary when the tragedy occured.

Ambulance officers confirmed they attended a reef fatality this morning at Batt Reef off Port Douglas.

Irwin's body is being flown to Cairns.

It is believed his American-born wife Terri is trekking on Cradle Mountain in Tasmania and, as of today, has yet to be told of her husband's death. The couple has 2 children.

Wow, what a shitty way to go out. We figured he'd go out in true style, like getting his head ripped off by a 12 foot crocodile or something.

As weird as this story is, you've got to feel for his wife and kids.

If you plan on cooking out / drinking during the Labor Day holiday on Monday, pour a lil' out for the homie down 'unda and yell out a big 'ol CRIKEY !!!

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Celeb Mags Are Out Of Their Minds

Some of these celebrity magazine stories kill me.

The Star magazine is reporting that Katie Holmes is plotting her "escape" from Tom Cruise. Ok, so that's somewhat believeable.

But they take it from "somewhat believeable" to "completely fucking retarded" by tossing in this little tidbit -

I realize there's a ton of competition out there with these mags, but c'mon. Escape by helicopter? Umm, how about Katie just grab the car keys and tell Tom, "Peace out bitch!"

Families of Soldiers Carry Around "Flat Daddies"

It doesn't get much weirder than this.

Maine National Guard members in Iraq and Afghanistan are never far from the thoughts of their loved ones.

But now, thanks to a popular family-support program, they're even closer.

Welcome to the ``Flat Daddy" and ``Flat Mommy" phenomenon, in which life-size cutouts of deployed service members are given by the Maine National Guard to spouses, children, and relatives back home.

The Flat Daddies ride in cars, sit at the dinner table, visit the dentist, and even are brought to confession, according to their significant others on the home front.

``I prop him up in a chair, or sometimes put him on the couch and cover him up with a blanket," said Kay Judkins of Caribou, whose husband, Jim, is a minesweeper mechanic in Afghanistan. ``The cat will curl up on the blanket, and it looks kind of weird. I've tricked several people by that. They think he's home again."

At the request of relatives, about 200 Flat Daddy and Flat Mommy photos have been enlarged and printed at the state National Guard headquarters in Augusta. The families cut out the photos, which show the Guard members from the waist up, and glue them to a $2 piece of foam board.

We wonder if mommy takes cardboard daddy to bed at night.

Cop Arrested for DUI While Driving Patrol Car

A Ventura County cop was arrested for his 2nd DUI this past week.

His latest arrest came while driving his patrol car.

This story would be 10x better if the cop pulled someone over while on duty and hammered out of his mind.