Friday, September 22, 2006

Jackass: Number Two = 90 Minutes of Almost Pissing Myself

I never thought Jackass: Number Two would be as funny, let alone funnier, than the first. Holy shit was I wrong. Jackass Number Two is the funniest movie I've ever seen. Maybe that's unfair since there've been "real" movies that are insanely funny. But I can honestly say I've never laughed harder in my entire life. I nearly pissed myself... at least 3 times.

Jackie Chan: Porn Star

Suicide Girls has a story on Jackie Chan's former career as a porn star. Well, not really a star since he only appeared in one flick, but porn nonetheless. It was a 1975 porn titled "All in the Family", which I guess had to do with incest.

The only reason this was just admitted by Chan was because some guy, obviously a big porn fan, tipped off the Hong Kong media after watching the film.

And while most celebs would try to deny it was them or play it off, Chan was pretty honest about his role at the time -

"I had to do anything I could to make a living 31 years ago, but I don't think it's a big deal, even Marlon Brando used to be exposed in his movies. The porn movie at that time was more conservative than the current films," Chan said.

For a couple of screenshots from the movie, click here.

Great Way to Scare Off Burglars

If you have a problem with shady bastards breaking into your house, here's one sure-fire way to keep them out - keep a collection of severed heads on display.

Burglars in Vienna opted for a speedy getaway after they found eight severed human heads when breaking into the basement of an apartment building, Austrian police said Friday.

A dentist had stored the mummified heads, which he used for research, in a chest in the basement. Burglars stumbled upon the collection when they broke in, police said.

"The burglars were looking for loot when they discovered the heads," said a spokeswoman for Austrian police. "From what it looks like, they just left them lying and bolted away."

Austrian authorities said they were investigating whether there had been a breach of the regulations for storing research materials.


For Guys - a Reminder Wedding Ring?

This is kind of creepy.

A jeweler has an idea for the ultimate reminder for men - a wedding ring that heats up about 24 hours before the anniversary occurs.

I don't know if I'm for or against this idea. Once you start putting things like this into a wedding band, it opens the flood gates for other ideas... like GPS. I don't want my wife knowing that when I went to the titty bar last night, my wedding ring was stashed in my sock drawer.


Steve-O Pisses On His Own Red Carpet

Steve-O pissed on the red carpet for his Jackass: Number 2 premiere last night in Los Angeles. It's not the first time he's pissed on a red carpet. I guess that's his thing now. The dirty fucker loves attention, recently telling Howard Stern that the only reason he was hanging out with Nicole Richie earlier this summer was to get in the tabloids. I won't lie, the dude cracks me up, but I would never want to hang out with the sick bastard. For the other 20% of this picture, check out DListed.

Another "Anorexia Kills" Picture Moment

Part 1 of our Anorexia Kills picture moment with Kate Bosworth, featured an E.T.-like sternum and, what we believed to be, a breast. This latest picture, with now-ex-boyfriend Orlando Bloom, resembles a corpse crossing the street. Seriously, doesn't it look like a swift wind would just turn this bitch into a pile of dust?

EDIT - this before/after picture just popped up on PerezHilton. So sad :(
(click pictures to enlarge)

You've Been Warned

For fans of the hit show Nip/Tuck, don't say we didn't give you the heads up on this one.

Rosie O'Donnell will be playing a special guest role on an episode of the show. O'Donnell told "Access Hollywood" that the director tried to shoot around a tube-top that they made her wear. But the director kept yelling "cut" because a bit of the tube-top could be seen in the shot.

So, Rosie fixed the situation by pulling down the top.

O'Donnell said McMahon, who plays plastic surgeon Dr. Christian Troy on the show, looked down and told her "nice boobs," adding, "but he was so nice." O'Donnell said she would "love to do that show again and again and again."

O'Donnell's episode of "Nip/Tuck" airs Oct. 3. She plays a woman who has just won $381 million in a Powerball lottery and goes to the South Beach plastic surgery practice for her whole family.

And we'll make sure NOT to TiVo that episode.


Rehab in a Can?

A few days ago, we told you of a new energy drink called Cocaine. In our opinion - Brilliant.

Well it looks like there's a remedy for those who get hooked on the Cocaine. Introducing - Rehab, the drink! We shit you not. This picture of attention whore Lindsay Lohan was not photoshopped in any way.

All we need to create now is "Daddy Didn't Love Me" in a can and Miss Lohan would make us gazillionaires!

Get the scoop on drug addiction and alcohol addiction and even drug detox. The more you know about drug rehab, the less inclined you are to drug addiction.

Happy Girl on Girl Friday!

Some Guiness spilt on the bar floor
When the pub was shut for the night,
Out of his hole crept a wee brown mouse
And stood in the pale moonlight,
He lapped up the frothy brew from the floor
Then back on his haunches he sat,
And all the night you could hear him roar
"Bring on the goddamn cat!"

Happy Girl on Girl Friday everyone and thank you all for the love and support. Keep the emails/feedback coming and have an excellent weekend.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Hanging Out With OJ Simpson

CityRag just posted a link to a page showing pictures of some randoms hanging out with OJ. We laughed at some of these (including the captions), so we're guessing you will too.

"OJ told me he just finished a bloody mary before we took this."

"My run in with OJ in the Bahamas"

"He ran off pretty quickly as soon as my friend's mom yelled, 'You took a picture with a murderer!"

"By the way OJ, did you kill your wife? Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was a sensitive subject."

The last quote reminds us of one of the great crank calls ever made. A few years ago, Kidd Chris got a hold of OJ's number and gave him a ring... a few of them.

One of them -

Chris - Juice?
OJ - Yeah?
Chris- What're you doin'?
OJ - Who's this?
Chris - It's AC. Let's go kill somebody tonight!
OJ - *laughs* Alright

You can listen those calls by clicking here.

Paris Hilton is Half a Retard (UPDATE 1)

While we try to stay away from Paris Hilton news, in fear of becoming just like every other site on the internet, this is too good not to share.

Paris Hilton was questioned by the LAPD during the investigation into the home-invasion robbery of Girls Gone Wild owner Joe Francis (in which he was tied up, had his pants pulled down, was taunted by a dildo, and forced to admit on tape that he enjoyed gay sex) and in the audio tape admits she's not very bright.

Below are excerpts, via "Dateline NBC" -

on Hilton's relationship with Francis:

L.A. Prosecutor Hoon Chun: Somebody's describing you know taking a videotape -- a compromising videotape-- tying up an ex-boyfriend of yours...
Hilton: He's not my ex-boyfriend...

Chun: I'm sorry. It's someone you dated?...
Hilton: No.

The information she initially shared with Francis after learning about it at a party:

Hilton: Like I really...I don't remember. I'm not like that smart. I like forget stuff all the time.
Detective Koman: Don't cut yourself short.
Hilton: But I don't remember. I don't remember.

Hilton being blackmailed after her own notorious burglary in August 2004:

Chun: Anybody trying to blackmail you with regard to...those private tapes that were taken from your Hollywood Boulevard residence?
Hilton: They were asking for money, but nothing ever happened.

Chun: Who was asking you for money?
Hilton: Some guy on the phone. I don't know. He was talkin' to my girlfriend about. I never talked to anybody...

Koman: Okay, your girlfriend?
Hilton: They...wanted money. They were tryin' to sell it to like a newspaper or something.

Koman: Who was the guy?
Hilton: I don't know.

Koman: Who was your girlfriend?
Hilton: Um, she was like ...

Koman: Spell that name.
Hilton: I don't know how to spell it...I was in Miami shooting a movie and I just heard about it. They were like ...some guy's tryin' to sell like the tapes to like a magazine. So if you pay somebody, then you're gonna be paying for the rest of your life. My dad always taught me. They'll keep the tape anyway.

UPDATED because last few lines were originally left out

thanks to HollywoodRag and the Superficial

Holy Perky Boobies

What do you get when you combine one hell of a boob job, big perky nipples and a see-thru dress? You've got Victoria Beckham heading out for a night on the town.

This chick could get 137 more cosmetic procedures done to her face and it wouldn't matter. That body is kinda rockin'!

Man Urinates on Supermarket Cash Register

We didn't make that up. That is the real headline.

A man standing in a checkout line at a NY state ShopRite took out his penis and urinated on the cash register last Friday afternoon, according to police.

By one account, the man stood up on the conveyor belt before relieving himself. Police responded to a report of indecent exposure at the time, but were unable to find the man.

ShopRite officials called it an unfortunate incident and said the register was cleaned and disinfected immediately.

Who hasn't wanted to stand on the grocery store's checkout conveyor belt and piss all over everything?

McDonald's to Offer Breakfast All Day

I can honestly say this is the best news I've heard all week.

McDonald's may soon offer its breakfast menu all day long as a new restaurant layout will make it easier to prepare a wide variety of foods at once, its chief executive said on Wednesday.

Speaking at the Bank of America 36th Annual Investment Conference in San Francisco, McDonald's CEO Jim Skinner said the company was implementing a new restaurant operating system that would finally make selling breakfast all day possible.

"It's not compatible with our current operating system," Skinner said about offering its breakfast menu all day. "But with this system, that could be possible."

The so-called flexible operating platform will make McDonald's food preparation processes more transparent to customers and "offer more variety with greater ease," Skinner said.

Breakfast sales have been a key part of McDonald's three-year turnaround thanks in part to products like McGriddles sandwiches and a new, stronger coffee blend. But the restaurants stop serving breakfast late in the morning to switch over to burgers and other items for lunch and dinner.

The breakfast period has been the "strongest performer" among McDonald's three major meal segments in the last two to three years and remains "extremely strong," Chief Financial Officer Matthew Paull said during the presentation.

McGriddles at 6pm? Sounds too good to be true. Guess we'll have to wait and see.... and pray.


Fergie Flashes 14-Yeard-Old Girls

Fergie must've been hitting the crystal meth pipe before appearing on yesterday's TRL while reaching for the sky and exposing her right breast. Ok, so she didn't completely expose it, thanks to a bra. Which kind of sucks because this post would've been much better if she wasn't wearing one.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Borat on Cover of new Vanity Fair has seriously been swinging on Borat's nuts lately. And why not? He's probably the funniest character in showbiz right now.

This latest Borat news is definitely the coolest. According to RadarOnline, Sacha Baren Cohen will be on the cover of November's Vanity Fair magazine.

What's not known, however, is if Cohen will stay in Borat character for the VF interview or if he'll actually let the mag interview him, the non-character. He rarely gives interviews out of character and his other popular alter-ego (Ali G), conducts the interviews. Either way, it's a bold move on Vanity Fair's part and great news for Borat fans everywhere.

The buzz for November's Borat movie is truly growing at an insane rate.

"Is niiiiiiice!"

Gwyneth Palms Her Baby's Face

Gwyneth Paltrow's baby is either ugly, deformed or she is trying to give the youngin' a complex by palming the kid's face like a basketball. Poor Apple... or is that Moses?

Either way, buy the kid a paparazzi blanket like Michael Jackson did!

Mother Argues With School Bus Driver - Gets Tasered

Tampa, Florida -- A deputy had to use a Taser to subdue and arrest a Tampa woman after she got into a confrontational argument with a school bus driver on Tuesday morning.

Hillsborough deputies say 39-year-old Shannon Snyder became angry, because she thought the bus driver had her child sitting on the floor of the bus. Investigators say that was not actually the case.

The argument began at a school bus stop, and continued when Snyder followed the bus to school.

A School Resource deputy escorted the irate Snyder to the bus ramp at her request, where she continued to create a disturbance by yelling and cursing at the bus driver.

Investigators say that despite numerous commands by the deputy to calm down, Snyder continued to yell and walked closer to the bus driver. The suspect then pushed the deputy, at which point the officer told Snyder she was under arrest.

Snyder allegedly pulled away and yelled profanity at the deputy, and then tried to walk away. The officer made verbal commands to warn her that if she continued to flee, he would use his Taser in an effort to subdue her.

Authorities say the deputy ordered her to the ground several times and she continued to refuse to comply. The deputy deployed his Taser and placed her under arrest.

Snyder now faces charges of battery of a law enforcement officer, disorderly conduct, and resisting arrest without violence.

My God, I would pay just about anything to see video of this.


Justin Timberlake Goes Ape Shit

Justin Timberlake again went nutso on a paparazzi photographer and had to be restrained by his girlfriend Cameron Diaz, Monday night.

Justin tried to grab the guy's camera and yelled at him to stop taking pictures. Justin's mom along with the rest of the entourage got involved to save the couple and then the cameraman bounced. JT and Cameron apparently contacted police over the incident... even though the cameraman was on public property.

Seriously, if you don't want your picture taken, move the fuck out of Hollywood and get a job where you're not on TV and magazines everyday. Pussy. Look at his pupils by the way. What a nice young boy.
(click pics to enlarge)

Borat - Free Movie Screening Tonight

If you're lucky enough to live in one of the cities below, you can see Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan free tonight!

Simply add user BlackCarpet to your top Friends List, print out a screenshot and that's your ticket to tonight's free screening.

Here is a list of the countries/cities involved:

Berlin, GER - Dublin, IRL - London, GB - Sydney, AUS - Toronto, CA
Atlanta, GA - Austin, TX - Boston, MA - Cleveland, OH - Chicago, IL
Dallas, TX - Denver, CO - Kansas City, MO - Los Angeles, CA
Miami, FL - Minneapolis, MN - Nashville, TN - New York, NY
Philadelphia, PA - Phoenix, AZ - Portland, OR - San Diego, CA
San Francisco, CA - Sacramento, CA - Washington DC

Pam and Kid Rock Finally Have Sex?

Pam Anderson just announced on her website -

"Not pregnant yet. But we have consummated the marriage!"

Ok, we don't know if she's trying to say it's the first time they've had sex since being married or what, but if that's the case - her nose has just grown bigger than her breasts. She was quoted about a year ago during a radio interview as saying Kid Rock's penis isn't nearly as large as Tommy Lee's (I can't believe I just typed that).

And why in the blue hell is she announcing this to the world? Who the F cares? Freakin attention whore.

Imagine if every celeb with a website told us when they had sex. On second though, that would RULE! But only if details and/or a video was included.

Papa Joe is Fucking Creepy

According to sources who've had recent dealings with him, Joe Simpson (father of Jessica and Ashlee) has a tight working arrangement with WireImage, the mega-agency and wire service that rules the red-carpet at nearly every high-profile event in the western hemisphere. On several occasions, a camera-wielding Simpson has gone toe-to-toe with other snappers for shots of his own daughters, then approved only his own images for distribution through WireImage. At other times, he has provided the agency with exclusive (and even racy) shots of his daughters on family getaways or in other putatively private moments.

Needless to say, other photographers aren't happy. One recalled being invited to cover an event sponsored by Jessica's record label, Epic, only to find her shots blocked again and again by Joe and his Nikon. "I thought it was really odd that he was always in my way, since I was the one who was paid to be there shooting," she says. Though the freelancer did manage to get some clean shots, Joe's were the only ones WireImage deemed worthy of being distributed.

How lucrative is Simpson's sideline? Hard to say; he didn't return Radar's calls, and neither did WireImage co-founder Kevin Mazur. It's thus unclear, for instance, whether WireImage pays Simpson only for the photos he takes—which are credited to Simpson on the WireImage site—or whether he receives a cut of all images of Jessica or Ashlee the agency sells. The latter arrangement would explain why, according to sources, Simpson has tried to bar other agencies from press events.

W T F ? Between talking about his daughter's breasts and always sniffing during interviews, Joe Simpson is out of control. And this guy was a preacher? OK. And I have 2 cocks.

Halfway There!

We've Moved! Sort of... is now!

So when telling your friends, family, neighbors and pets about our site, just tell 'em!

I know, earth shattering news. But exciting around the Cooterpunch offices and less keystrokes for you.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Cocaine - the Energy Drink

The NY Post is reporting on a new energy drink that crashed runway parties last week, called Cocaine.

Its makers are billing it as "the legal alternative" to the white powder drug.

The drink's maker maintains that "doing Cocaine" - the beverage, that is - gives you a bigger and better high without the crash that other energy drinks cause.

They say a high hits you within five minutes, followed by a caffeine boost 15 minutes later. But hold on - the ride lasts five hours and the concoction is "350 percent stronger than Red Bull," they claim.

They argue that the effect is part chemical - this drink uses "simple" sugars that don't need to be broken down by the body to create a sugar buzz, and a much larger dose of vitamin B12 - and part psychological.

"When a person sees the name of the drink, some psychological effect happens and the person is already experiencing the energy buzz before they even open the can," speculates Cocaine inventor Jamey Kirby, whose company, Redux Beverages, is based in Las Vegas.

Learn about cocaine rehab and as well as crack cocaine rehab and other drug rehab programs. Drug rehab is important if you have a drug addiction.

"I can think of no other product except real cocaine that could have that effect on the public," he said.

Does it get you high?

Taste-testers say the drink, which tastes something like a "liquid cherry Jolly Rancher" candy, hits you hard.

"It does give you a little rush," said one sipper of Cocaine, which is slated to be sold in NYC nightclubs Mannahatta, Identity and Stereo, as well as groceries like West Side Gourmet, this Fall.

Kirby confessed that an ingredient was added to slightly numb the throat to add an oral sensation - much like cocaine does.

We did not make up that last sentence by the way. is a big fan of energy drinks. Our current favorite is sugar-free Sobe No Fear Adrenaline Rush. Caffeine, ginseng, guarana, vitamin B6 & B12? DELISH! But the name Cocaine has a much nicer ring to it. Can't wait until the stuff goes nationwide!

Bam Finally Admits to Banging Jessica

Bam Margera was on Howard Stern this morning where he finally admitted to sleeping with Jessica Simpson... while she was still married to Nick Lachey.

A summary, taken from The Stern Fan Network during this morning's show:

- He just confirmed it again said it was 3AM when it happened.

- He just said that she looked great naked. She had a personal trainer during the movie and was in top shape

- Howard got an email from Jimmy Pop saying that Bam called him after banging Jessica to say she's in the bathroom taking an after fuck pee.

- Bam's girlfriend called into a Philly radio station the day she found out about her boyfriend banging Jessica, bitching about how Bam had the nerve to cheat on her with Jessica Simpson, a married woman

- He spent the night and left at 8AM


Rosie O'Donnell Making Co-Host Cry

I can't stand to watch more than .18 seconds of The View, but this might be worth checking out.

TMZ is reporting that co-host and extreme right-wing conservative Elisabeth Hasselbeck gets so worked up over new co-host Rosie O'Donnell's political views and rants that she "gets so upset" and "can't contain her feelings," thus leading to the daily river of tears.

What kind of grown woman CRIES because of someone else's opinion? What a fucking nutjob. Who could marry a chick like that anyway? Oh I know, a 3rd string NFL quarterback, who probably doesn't know what the phrase "pimp hand" means and has bleacher sores on his ass.

Edited - typo

Monday, September 18, 2006

Monday Night Football - Appendectomy 101 video (UPDATE 1)

Below, we see a clip from ESPN's Monday Night Football game as the Pittsburgh Steelers took on the Jacksonville Jaguars.

The story going into this game was Ben Roethlisberger, who had an appendectomy just 15 days prior, starting the game at quarterback for the Steelers.

So ESPN, who loves to smack us in the face with meaningless, filler garbage, gave us a human anatomy lesson by explaining what happens when the appendix becomes enlarged and what has to be done to fix it. They could have simply gave us a 10 second recap of the process, but instead they thought it'd be best to show us visuals. We were presented with pictures of some intestines, a swollen appendix and other disguting things that, quite frankly, I don't want to review the video again to see what those things were. But you are more than welcome to...

P.S. - Hey Michele Tafoya, aren't all appendectomys considered an "emergency"? Just asking.

UPDATE - Switched from YouTube to Google Video

Online Videogames / Poker Just Got Weird

In the shot above, you'll notice the guy's face is mapped onto his online character's body.

This is done thanks to the new Xbox 360 "Vision Cam" available soon for $40. The first game to use the cam is World Series of Poker: Tournament of Champions, which will be available this week. The technical term of taking your picture with the cam and mapping it onto your character is called DigiMask.

I just can't wait to play this game online and play against some kid who took a picture of his ass instead of his face. Now that will be one hell of a poker face.


The Joker is an Olsen

It all makes sense now!

Movie News: Police Academy 2007

For those who grew up in the 80's, this is great news.

Police Academy 2007 is in the works and due for an '07 release date.

And checking the IMDB link above, it looks as if all the original characters are back for more hilarity.

Mahoney, Hightower, Hooks, Captain Harris, Sweetchuck, Callahan and even old Lieutenant Lessard (the old bastard is still alive!) all return for this new film.

Police Academy 2007 is being directed by Hugh Wilson, the same guy who directed the original.

We can't wait to see how the gang looks 20 years later... and if Callahan still has those "major guns".

Willie Nelson Busted

In today's super, shocking, surprising news, 73-year-old singer Willie Nelson and several members of his band were issued misdemeanor citations for drug possession early today during a traffic stop in Louisiana. Contrary to some early reports, he was not arrested.

Trooper Willie Williams says troopers smelled a strong odor of marijuana when the driver opened the bus door.

During a search of the bus, Williams said approximately 1 1/2 pounds of marijuana and approximately 2/10 of a pound of mushrooms were located on the bus.

Holy shit, 1 1/2 lbs. of weed? I guess when you're 73 years old, you need at least a pound to get you through the day.

18 Year Old Gets Fired for Being Too Good Looking

As most of us can relate...

A teenage worker in England was asked to find another job after his hunky physique distracted pupils at an all-girls school.

Joe Norman, 18, who had been hired for the summer to help build an extension, began receiving wolf-whistles from girls at Holy Cross School.

Norman said he didn't do anything to distract the girls -- that he even kept his shirt on.

However, the headmaster of the school asked him to leave.

"I'm muscular because of the type of work I do," said Norman. "But I've never had this problem before. It was quite intimidating."

This poor guy has such a rough life ahead of him.


Kitchen Cat Fight! Rachael Ray Kicks Martha Out.

Four staffers from Martha Stewart's show tried to sneak into a taping of junior domestic diva Rachael Ray's show last week, but a security guard who works for both shows recognized them and had them ejected. Ray's show, which begins today on its nationally syndicated run, will compete against Stewart's daytime show, which has garnered only so-so ratings thus far.

But a Page Six source says that Ray's show has nothing to hide: "[The spies] were kicked out because they lied about their names. Otherwise they would have been welcome to stop by." A Stewart spokesman says the quartet weren't asked to leave by the guard, but by one of Martha's former audience coordinators who now works for Ray.

Rachael Ray's show hasn't even aired yet and we're already loving it! Nothing beats an old fashioned kitchen fight... as long as it involves flour, milk, chocolate syrup, whipped cream, minimal clothing and a couple of spatulas.


Janet Jackson to Freak Us Out Again

Janet Jackson is set to weird us out again with her 40-year-old fugly breasts.

Janet appears bare-breasted in her new video for the single “So Excited.” Although nipples are never clearly visible, Jackson’s clothes disappear in a number of shots, and she quickly reaches up to cover her bare breasts.

What's this chick's obsession with her tits? Seriously. Does she not realize she's old and not everyone wants to see her half nakie anymore unless she's photoshopped?

Meanwhile, Jackson is saying that she’s never seen herself as sexy, and blames older brother Michael for her issues with her body.

“My brother Michael used to tease me,” Janet Jackson tells the new issue of Giant. “We’re very close, but he was very adamant about the way I looked, the way I should look. He thought my butt was too big. Maybe he wasn’t completely happy with himself, so he put it on me? I’m just guessing here, but looking back now, I know that in adolescence your body changes, and he would always tease people left and right about something. When his own body started to change … he became a lot more introverted.”

Gotta give her props for shitting on Michael in that quote though. Nice work Janet. But keep a bit to the imagination for us. Please?