Jaime Pressley Abuses Steroids

WTF is up with Jaime Pressley's neck near the end of this video?

College Football Season Kicks Off Today!

What better way to spend a crappy, rainy Saturday than on the couch watching college football all day? Oooh what a beautiful thing. Waking up this morning felt like Christmas morning. I love this time of year.

It all starts with a 10am College Gameday show on ESPN. And with scenery like you see below, it's a lot easier to put up with that crazy old Lee Corso guy.

A Reason to Have Children - Baby Toupees

Sure I recently gave a good reason not to have children, but this website has me doing a 180. Who wouldn't want to drag their 2-year-old kid around the mall with a Donald Trump toupee?

Today's WTF Moment

And We Thought the KKK Didn't Like Colors

Mayor receives threatening letter allegedly from KKK

Bonita, Louisiana Mayor Virgil Penn said he fears for his family's safety after receiving a threatening letter with a Ku Klux Klan signature last week.

The letter, which appeared to be written in crayon, contained only one sentence: ‘‘If you run again for office in the town of Bonita, La., you will '--' KKK.''

‘‘I guess the three blank letters mean I will die,'' said Penn, Bonita's first black mayor. ‘‘To be honest, I'm afraid, not so much for me, but for my family.''

So these morons are writing notes in crayon and they can't spell the word "die"?

If I was Mayor Penn, I wouldn't worry much. Something tells me these retarded hillbillies can't even tie their own shoes.

.

Vanilla Ice Jr. Releases First Music Video!

I hate that we (along with every other fucking site) are giving K-Fed so much attention. Even if we grill the retard with each and every post, it's still publicity. But this is too good not to share.

Federline's first ever music video.

And who doesn't love a "10" on the unintentional comedy scale?

Just Another Reason Not To Have Children

Scientists claim a molecule in semen may cause cervical cancer and womb cancer in women.

The U.K's Medical Research Council team found that the exceptionally high levels of prostaglandin fueled tumor growth.

Just one more reason not to have children... or to only "do it in the bad place".

source

Today's Music is Gay

Am I the only one who thinks today's most popular bands are also the most gay?

I finally realized this while watching MTV's VMAs. Actually, I haven't even watched the show yet. I felt compelled to write this while watching My Chemical Romance's pre-show performance, where the log jammer lead singer whines about how his father used to take him to see a marching band in a parade. WTF? It's probably the gayest song I've ever heard.

And what is it with these little pussies and their gay "emo" haircuts, painting their fingernails and expecting us to respect their music? How can I respect you when you're busy taking pictures of your cock and wearing eyeliner?

Music sucks today. It's all so shitty and manufactured, I can't tell any of these bands apart anymore. And it's not just crappy pop/rock music. Hip hop is in the same shitty state.

Today's music needs more true bad asses. Guys who don't give a fuck about their feminine side and their insecurities and just want to rock your fucking head off.

So quit the whining about how your mommy and daddy didn't give you enough attention and how you enjoy parades and start making some kick ass music.

.

Candy Spelling Takes a Giant Dump on Daughter Tori

Remember Beverly Hills 90210? I watched the first few episodes because it was new, there was lots of hype surrounding it and I was a dumb kid.

I couldn't watch much after those first few episodes because of Tori Spelling. I hated that bitch. Her character Donna, I hated her too. But that was really because I just hated Tori Spelling. She scared me. Her horsey face and shitty acting didn't seem to fit in. Obviously she was on the show because her father, Aaron Spelling, was the producer.

Well now, in a strange turn of events, I'm feeling sorry for Tori.

You see, Tori is just about broke. Her father was worth $500 million when he died this past June. Four months before his death, he updated his will to leave 95+% of his fortune to his to his wife. And on top of that, Tori likely won't see a dime from her late father's will because her mother hates her.

Her mother Candy is a mean, heartless bitch and is giving Tori none of her father's fortune. Not only that, she just sold her late husband's Beverly Hills mansion for an insane $130 million to an Arab prince. Rumor has it that she's already bought a new house and moved in with her new boyfriend.

And you thought that was a kick in the uterus for Tori? The most shitty part was that Tori had to find out her father died from a friend who heard it on TV! That cold, heartless bitch of a mother didn't even have the decency to tell her daughter that her dad had died.

Look, I don't know what happens to us when we die. But I have a strong gut feeling that Candy Spelling will be tortured in ways most of could never even imagine.

Hang in there Donna Martin. We're on your side this time.

.

Girl on Girl Friday!

Ok so I'm 30 minutes early with this one. Like you give a fuck.

Happy Girl on Girl Friday everybody! Have an excellent weekend and thank you all for the love this stupid little site has been receiving lately. And thank you for the emails! We're truly touched. And we mean touched in the most sincere, non-sexual way.

For more Girl on Girl Friday, CooterPunch style - click here

Parking Attendant Saws Illegal Parker in Half

A parking attendant in Rio de Janeiro sawed a woman in half over a parking dispute.

The victim illegally parked in front of a building. The parking attendant got pissed off, followed her into her home, killed her and cut her in half.

And to think I've never even keyed someone's car after they stole my parking spot. I'm such an angel.


source

A Patriotic Baseball Ejection

I was watching today's MLB ESPN Game of the Day (Tigers @ Yankees) when, in the bottom of the 7th inning - the announce team says that Tigers manager Jim Leyland got ejected from the game during the 7th inning stretch. How does one get tossed during the 7th inning stretch?, you might ask. Great question. That's why I put the footage online for your viewing pleasure:

CNN News Anchor Leaves Mic on in Bathroom During Bush Speech

If this won't get you fired, I don't know what will.

During President Bush's speech on the one year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, CNN news anchor Kyra Phillips forgot to turn off her mic before heading into the ladies room.

And while there were no loud "splashes" or any bathroom noises you might expect, there were a few highlights:

• Kyra strikes up a conversation with a fellow employee, telling the other woman, "I'm very lucky because my husband is a handsome, loving guy with no ego..." This was prompted because the other woman in the conversation said something about "men being assholes". And yes, this was all on live national television

• Kyra calls her sister-in-law a control freak

• You hear Kyra unzipping her pants

• After a minute or two, someone from CNN comes running into the bathroom and says, "Kyra, your mic is on".

• Poor anchor woman Daryn Kagan trying to cover up the train wreck near the end of the speech

Full video here

This is the same Kyra Phillips who accidentally called John Bolton, the U.S. ambassador to the United Nations - Michael Bolton

Jesus, now we know why females take so long in the bathroom. They're busy telling their life stories while squatting.


.

Homemade Jetpack Video

This might just be the greatest thing I've ever seen. I'd be willing to sell my house, car and/or soul for one of these.

It's Official: John Travolta is Gay

After much speculation, rumors and stories - photographic evidence has finally appeared.

.

Lucky High School Kid Takes Miss Universe to Prom

16-year old Jordan Avramides from Sydney, Australia is taking this fine piece of woman to his senior prom.

She's Miss Universe Australia 2006, Erin McNaught. The article mentions her nickname is "McNaughty" since posing for topless photos.
(thank the good Lord for Google Images)

The confident high school senior originally invited Miss Universe Australia 2004, but she declined. So an Australian newspaper heard about the invite and decided to help the kid out and scored him a nice upgrade to Miss 2006.

We wish this fella good luck on prom night. He may just get lucky enough to have a story to tell his friends... and his kids... and his grandkids.

source

.

K-Fed to Ruin 3 Episodes of my Fave TV Show

Kevin Federline has signed with HBO to appear in 3 episodes of the hit TV series Entourage. He will be playing "a deadbeat husband of a celebrity".

Whoooa dick hole, don't stretch yourself too much here. I can't imagine how much practice will go into those appearances.

Let's hope our boy Johnny Drama goes on one of his rampages and breaks Mr. Spears' face.

source

What to do if You Look Like Tom Cruise? Steal Drugs From Homes!

If Tom Cruise knocked on your door and asked for some Valium, you wouldn't think twice about hooking him up, right?

Well this guy had the same idea in mind, because according to this article, the suspect has gone to real estate open houses and torn apart medicine cabinets and drawers for the homeowner's prescriptions.

The suspect was described as being about 5 feet 9 inches tall, weighing 180 pounds, with short, dark hair. In two instances, he was driving a dark blue pickup truck with equipment in the back.

The article forgot to mention that the suspect actually is Tom Cruise.

.

Today's WTF Picture Moment

Jon Voight Botches His Granddaughter's Name

TMZ has video of Angelina Jolie's estranged father, Jon Voight, sending a special message to his grandkids on Saturday at the BAFTA awards. He went 1 for 2 -

"Happy birthday Maddox. Five years old. That's a big one. You're getting to be a young man. And I send my love to you and I send my love to...uh...Shakira...and, uh, Sha-Shaheera, is it Sheera, Shahira?"

SHAKIRA?

Fucking HILarious!

Poor John Voight. His daughter hasn't talked to him in years because he said in an interview she has "mental issues". As crazy as the old bastard may be, something tells us he was on target with that one. We've all forgot how the crazy bitch used to wear a vile of her ex-husband's blood around her neck and made out with her brother at an awards show.

Don't worry Jon. We're on your side, you old silly senile guy.

.

CBS Hates Fat Chicks (update 1)

CBS took a shot of new $15 million anchor Katie Couric, shaved off 20 lbs. (Photoshop bitches!) and put the "new" photo in their magazine, which is widely distributed to about 400,000 people including most media outlets.

source

UPDATE - this Photoshop diet is really catching on! Look at the treatment Rosie O'Donnell got for a new The View promo shot!

Before -


After -

My Evening is Set

Because I've got shit else to do, I'll be online tonight with the new Xbox 360 game Saints Row.

It's a complete Grand Theft Auto rip off. But when I say rip off, I mean like how Google ripped off Yahoo.

If any readers want to join in some stereotypical, thugged out gang warfare - hit me up on Xbox Live. Online name - Chodite

A few of my MaddenMania.com buddies have already started up a gang called Penis Kickers. So know what to expect when you step to us homie.

.

Tuesday Late Afternoon Motivator

Local Reporter Finds Marijuana Growing Outside Police Station

A newspaper reporter in Duluth, MN recently found marijuana plants growing out front of the local police station.

The police lieutenant claims they were planted by a prankster.

A prankster?

Or a cop looking to make his desk job more interesting?

.

Kids Watch As Clown Is Crushed to Death

Don't tell me you didn't laugh just a bit at the title. And don't think I'm an insensitive bastard, because the title wasn't my idea.

A hot-air balloon caught fire during a circus stunt in Ireland, killing a clown acrobat as dozens of children watched, police said Tuesday.

The accident happened Monday night as the Royal Russian Circus was performing in Scariff, County Clare, a village in western Ireland. About 100 people were in the audience, most of them children. Police said the clown was a 26-year-old man from Belarus but didn't release his name.

Witnesses said the man, dressed in a clown outfit, was hanging from a cage suspended by ropes and a hot-air balloon inside the canvas tent. When the balloon exploded in flames, the cage fell on top of the man.


"Was hanging from a cage suspended by ropes and a hot-air balloon..." ??!?

Call me crazy, but skydiving into a shark-infested Altantic Ocean wearing a bathing suit made of tunafish sounds more safe than this stunt. The grim reaper was just sitting on this clown's front door step.

New Resort to be Completely Underwater

Now this, my friends, is bad ass.

From the article -

The first Poseidon Undersea Resort will be based on a private island in Fiji that has an existing resort, airstrip and infrastructure. The 225 acre island is surrounded by a 5000 acre lagoon that is 90 feet deep and has 200 feet of visibility in a protected environment. The setting is truly remarkable. The resort will have 48 luxury beach-front bungalows of 1500 square feet, each with private plunge pools. Other amenities include a nine-hole executive golf course, tennis courts, two fabulous spas, one with underwater treatment rooms; a health club, three restaurants, two bars, a marina, dive center, water sports pavilion and submarine base.

The underwater portion of the resort will be situated in 13 meters (40 feet) of water and will be linked to land with two piers providing access to two elevators. The underwater facilities will include 24 luxury staterooms, a large restaurant and bar/lounge, a library, conference room, wedding chapel, underwater spa, and the Nautilus Suite which is an ultra-luxury accommodation with stunning undersea views that would impress even Capt. Nemo. Guests will only be able to book for week-long stays which will include two nights underwater, four nights in a luxury beach bungalow and the opportunity to learn to pilot your own private submarine in our pristine coral lagoon. All meals and drinks are included with the exception of specialty wines and liquors. Also included are all water sports, diving and most other activities as well as
transportation to and from Fiji’s international airport aboard one of our luxury private aricraft.

Reservations will begin in mid-November '06 at a rate of $15,000 per person, per week.

I think it's safe to assume that if I were to become rich, one of the first things on my "to-do" list would be booking one of these for at least a week. Hell, just being to take submarine pilot lessons is worth it. I'd even be willing to sneak in a little somethin' extra to the captain if he let me fire off a missle or two.

More pictures of the planned resort here

.

Eminem Goes Nuts on One of Hef's Girls - Update 1

We've admitted here before that we're big fans of hot chicks, so it's only natural we enjoy E!'s Girls Next Door TV show. The show basically follows the lives of Hugh Hefner's 3 live-in girlfriends in and around the Playboy mansion.

And as other fans of the show know, Heff's youngest girlfriend is 21-year-old Kendra Wilkinson. You'll also know that she's a big fan of hip hop. She's always talking about how she'd like to be in a rap video and even got herself a gaudy set of grillz put in her mouth.

It seems like Kendra was finally getting her wish by appearing in her first hip hop video. After the video shoot - she posted a blog about the day's events on her MySpace page.

Long story short - Eminem was on the set of the video shoot. It sounds like the video was for R&B star Akon and Eminem was making an appearance *?*

Anyway, Mr. Mathers approaches Kendra, tells her he's a fan, etc... then minutes later, randomly pours a bottle of water on her. She said he looked like "he was overdosing on drugs".

If this story is true, the only reason I can imagine this happening is that Kendra shot down Eminem's gameplan of wanting to infect her with his gonorrhea, he got offended and pissed on her with a water bottle.

Apparently she took the blog offline shortly after posting it. But someone copied it before it got taken down. I'd post the entire contents here, but the grammar in it gives me a fucking migraine. And after reading some of Kendra's real blogs on her page, this might have actually been her typing it. Only hot chicks can get away with sounding like a 3rd grader. Click here to read the post and decide for yourself whether or not you think it's true...

Update - Eminem has since apologized by sending flowers to the Playboy mansion. Also updated the blog entry URL

Emmy Awards - Opening Skit (Conan O'Brien)

This was pretty damn funny as Conan makes his way into all of today's TV hit shows during last night's Emmy Awards opening skit.

Props to Conan and the writers. Actually, props to Conan since he writes his own bits. Check the clip if you missed the show last night.



(I have no freakin idea where "Part 2" is)

Woman Crashes Car While Giving Dog Driving Lesson

Some half-retard in China crashed her car into oncoming traffic while giving her dog a driving lesson.

The woman said her dog "was fond of crouching on the steering wheel and often watched her drive. She thought she would let the dog 'have a try' while she operated the accelerator and brake," the report said. "They did not make it far before crashing into an oncoming car."

My dog is fond of watching me take a crap but I still haven't taught him to use the toilet. This story has given me new hope.

Random Olsen / Bag Lady Picture Moment

Looking at this picture taken over the weekend of Mary Kate Olsen, I'm now convinced these alien twins try to look as down and out as they possibly can. When you're worth a bajillion dollars, what other reason do you have to look like complete shit everyday?

It seems like just yesterday that every guy was counting the days until these chicks turned 18 so they would be legally bangable. Talk about a wrong turn. They now remind me of the crazy old lady who used to stand in the middle of the street every morning on my way to school and stopped the school bus driver to ask him for cigarettes.

More Germs - Toilet Seat or Steering Wheel?

A word to the wise - clean the inside of your freakin car more than once a year.

I'm not a complete germ phobe, but kind of freaks me out.

New research has revealed that car steering wheels carry twice as many germs as toilets.

Tests showed that steering wheels averaged 41,600 germs, compared with just 17,400 on a toilet seat.

Yet only 13% of people clean their cars regularly, with 45% rarely cleaning them and 5% never bothering at all.

Knowing that, it can't hurt to keep a bottle of this stuff in your glove box. Especially if you plan to shake my hand, you dirty steering wheel touchers.

Man's New Tongue Tastes Like Ass

A man recently underwent surgery to remove his cancer-filled tongue and had it replaced with skin, fat and nerve tissue from his butt cheek.

While that's great and all, we would still like to know since when did ass cheeks have taste buds?

Nick Lachey is Doing Just Fine

If Nick Lachey could have seen into the future and saw that Jessica Simpson would leave him and he'd end up with (arguably) an even hotter chick - it's a lock he would've left her ass first. Here we see the former Mr. Simpson with his new girl, Vanessa Minnillo. Besides being insanely hot, I think it's safe to assume Vanessa also has at least half a brain.... more than we can say for the dumb bitch he was married to... or is it "to whom which he was married..." ?

(click to enlarge)

Monday Mornings

Am I the only one who feels like I only got 2 hours of sleep, every Monday morning? And I hate relying on coffee to wake my tired ass up. But without coffee, I might fall down the stairs, break my neck and not even know it.

F You Monday morning!!!

Police Chase - Driver Had To Finish His Beer and Coke

This guy gets an A for honesty.

After watching a white GMC Suburban circle the block for 20 minutes, a homeowner called police to the 200 block of Southwest 71st Way of Pembroke Pines about 9:55 p.m. Aug. 7.

As the officer spoke to the homeowner, the sport utility vehicle passed by again.

With the officer trailing it, the SUV ran a stop sign at Southwest Fifth Street and 70th Avenue, prompting the officer to turn on his lights and siren. Traveling east on Fifth Street, the SUV ignored stop signs at 69th and 68th avenues.

When it came to a stop in front of the driver's home in the 6600 block of Southwest Seventh Street, the officer ordered the driver to the ground at gunpoint.

An open container of beer and several rocks that tested positive for crack cocaine were found in the SUV, police said.

After his arrest, the 39-year-old driver said he heard the siren but wanted to "get his car home... and said the reason he circled the block was because he wanted to finish his cocaine and beer.

I guess he's not allowed to do that stuff at home when the wife is home. Geez. Some cops have no sympathy.