Today's Funniest Headline

Man with panties on face attempts to rob W.VA store
(actual headline on local newspaper's website)



INWOOD, W.Va. (AP) — A thief covered his face with a pair of blue women’s underwear and used a pistol-shaped cigarette lighter in a botched robbery of a convenience store, police said.

“I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried,” State Police Sgt. T.C. Kearns told The Journal in Martinsburg.

The cashier at first thought it was a joke and refused to give the man any money, so he ran to a Jeep Cherokee and drove away at about 4 a.m. Wednesday, Kearns said.

A few minutes later, police stopped a vehicle matching that description and took two men into custody.

Police later charged Steven Clay Stephenson, 34, of Ranson in the convenience story robbery.

Kearns said police found a pistol-shaped lighter while searching Stephenson. The underwear was recovered nearby.

Stephenson is charged with nighttime burglary, attempted robber, first-offense driving under the influence, petit larceny and improper registration.

He was being held Thursday at the Eastern Regional Jail. The Berkeley County Prosecuting Attorney’s Office had no record of a defense attorney being assigned yet to represent Stephenson.

The funniest part of the story?
Not the panties on the head part.

But look at what he was charged with -
Stephenson is charged with nighttime burglary, attempted robber, first-offense driving under the influence, petit larceny and improper registration.

Nighttime burglary? Does that carry a heavier punishment than daytime burglary?

Happy Girl on Girl Friday!

If I could bottle my hopes in a store bought scent
They'd be nutmeg peach and they'd pay the rent
And I'd ride a horse, and I'd teach a course
on how I got to be a star crossed pimp

Well holy crap.

We go away for a bit, come back, and it looks like you might've missed us jussst a bit. Ok, more than just a bit.

We had more hits this past week than we've ever had. Ever. Tens & tens of thousands of hits this week and damn it feels good! We know the love is there. We feel it in the emails we get everyday. Whether it's criticism or the always welcomed, "Hey! Love you guys. Love the site. Keep doin what you're doin" ; we love it all. And yes, we've heard your cries for a comments option... stay tuned.

Hey we almost forgot. Happy Girl on Girl Friday hookers and hookettes!! Have yourself one excellent weekend and thanks again for all the love & support. Make sure to let your friends know about Cooterpunch!

Cooterpunch catch of the day

While we're not from Chicago, we never miss an opportunity to catch the Cubs anytime they're on TV during the day. And today was no exception.

Check out this nice grab in dead center field by a little Cubs fan. We enjoyed it so much, that we wanted to get it on video and share it with you.

It's moments like these when you're a kid that help make certain ball players your favorite. Just as I'm sure Aramis Ramirez is now this kid's favorite baseball player. Nice catch kid.

Sacha Baron Cohen to play Queen frontman Freddie Mercury?

Sacha Baron Cohen is set to play Freddie Mercury in a movie about the Queen singer's life, it has been reported.

The comic - who reportedly based his character Borat's look on the late music legend - is said to be the front runner to play Freddie seeing off stiff competition from Johnny Depp.

A source told Britain's Daily Mirror newspaper: "Filmmakers are working flat out to get the best possible script. Sacha loves the idea he can get away with playing Freddie after modeling Borat's look on him."

The movie is being developed by Robert De Niro's company Tribeca Productions.

Last month, it was reported that 'Pirates of the Caribbean' star Johnny was in talks to play Freddie.



'Bohemian Rhapsody' singer Freddie - who passed away aged 45 from an AIDS-related illness in 1991 - was widely considered to be one of the greatest performers in British rock history.

Sacha, 35 - who is best known for his comic alter-egos Ali G and Borat - is currently working on Tim Burton's forthcoming movie 'Sweeney Todd'.

The BAFTA winner is engaged to Australian actress Isla Fisher, 31.

And let us just point out, if Freddie Mercury were alive today, he would easily be the most bad ass gay dude on the planet... knocking George Michael down to #2


source

Mom wants to eat placenta. Hospital says no. Mom sues.

A Las Vegas mother is battling a local hospital over the ownership of a placenta. Anne Swanson gave birth at Sunrise Hospital last month, and wants her placenta so she can ingest it for its nutrients. But Swanson says the hospital has told her the organ was contaminated, and she would have to go to court to get it back.

Yesterday, Swanson and a group of other women protested outside the Maryland Parkway hospital, with signs reading "Free the Placenta." A spokeswoman for Sunrise Hospital would not discuss the case, but says placentas are kept in cold storage for three days and are disposed if there is no request to keep it. Swanson says she'll contact the ACLU and Planned Parenthood to get the placenta back. But because it is contaminated, she has no plans to turn it into pills for consumption. Traditional Chinese medicine suggests that the excess hormones in placentas can treat postpartum depression.

Hell, if she wants to eat the placenta, let her eat the damn placenta. But handle it like they do at some of those buffalo wing joints where they serve "911" wings and make the bitch sign a waiver.


source

WTF Happened to Christina Ricci's face?

W T F ?!?

We've always believed Christina Ricci to be a complete butter face. She's way hot. But her face... 'eh.

But with this shot taken Monday night out front of The Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York for some big fashion gala, she went from ButterFace to G.I.L.F. in record time.

When did she turn 61 years old? YIKES.

Paris Hilton fires her lawyer, gets a new one

Here's a shot of Paris Hilton after firing her lawyer, Howard Weitzman, in person today. She then hired DUI defense lawyer Richard Hutton.

Too little, too late dummy!

source: ImNotObsessed.com

George Lucas takes a dump on Spiderman 3

At last night's Time magazine dinner for the 100 most influential people, Star Wars creator George Lucas talked to Fox News about some of the projects he is working on.

But most interesting was when he began talking about this summer's movies.

From FoxNews.com:

Lucas told me he has seen all the summer movies since his company, Industrial Light and Magic, does most of the special effects. The only one they didn't work on was "Spider-Man 3." What did he think of it?

"It's silly. It's a silly movie," he said. "There just isn't much there. Once you take it all apart, there's not much story, is there?"

Well, it's not "Star Wars."

"People thought 'Star Wars' was silly, too," he added, with a wink. "But it wasn't."

Spiday hater!

Whatever Georgie. Just get on your next project - Chewbacca vs. Spidey - Wookie vs. Arachnid

Tell me that shit doesn't scream BLOCKBUSTER!

Gossip Rag covers rule

No words needed here. Just enjoy.

Britney Spears > My Mom

Wow. When I was 2 years old, my mom never carried me around town looking this cool. But if she did, I probably would've become a better person because of it.

Those other toddlers must be jealous. I think all self-respecting mothers should stroll their kids around looking like a 2 dollar hooker. The world would be a much better place if we all followed Britney's lead. Bitch has really got it all together.

Rosie O'Donnell to replace Bob Barker on The Price is Right?

We're praying to all of the Gods, in hopes this is just a stupid rumor and never.... EVER comes true. But it's still interesting.

Now that the Goodyear blimp is leaving 'The View', she might be setting her sights on another TV show.

According to reports, Rosie wants to take over Bob Barkers spot on "The Price Is Right." Word is that "Price" producers aren't too happy about the current host contenders George Hamilton, Mark Steines, Todd Newton and Mario Lopez. Even the retiring host Bob Barker is adamant that Rosie gets the gig according to one source.

A new job isn't the only thing Rosie's after, HollyScoop says that Rosie may jump on the Jenny Craig bandwagon to shed some weight.

Smart businesswoman? Yes.
Should be on TV? No.


source: HollyScoop

Austin Powers returning

Mike Myers, creator of the Austin Powers film franchise, told SCI-FI Wire that he definitely wants to make another movie and will get to it after he finishes his next project, called The Love Guru. And it might focus on Austin's nemesis, Doctor Evil.

"I have figured out that the story will be taken from the point of Doctor Evil," Myers said in an interview while promoting Shrek the Third. "It will be powered from Doctor Evil's point of view." Myers added: "That will be the first of a trilogy. ... I'm just joking! ... I haven't figured it all out. Who knows?"

But don't get too excited. Myers says it takes him almost 4 years to do a movie. And since he's currently in the middle of a project, we're not going to expect a new Austin Powers before 2010. Though as long as Beyonce Knowles isn't in this one, we're ok with waiting.

source: SciFi.com

Brad Pitt to play He-Man?

Rumor has it that Brad Pitt is about to become He-Man!

A quote from one of the upcoming film's producers:

“They are very keen on Brad for the role. He will have to bulk up though - he is very fit but not to ‘He-Man’ proportions.” He-Man - the most powerful man in the universe - is a sword-wielding hero with superhuman powers.

'eh, it might work. I'm just hoping the movie doesn't suck. Let's also hope that Marc Anthony is chosen to play the role of Skeletor!



source: ImNotObsessed

WTF Happened to Jessica Simpson's Face?

Since our last "WTF happened to Jessica Simpson's face?" moment last year, things have been steadily going downhill for the one time hottie.

In this picture taken over the weekend, Jessica Simpson looks more like Carmen Electra... if Carmen Electra had a penis and was injecting herself with steroids.

Is Britney growing a super-sized boob?

What's up with the right side of Britney Spears chest area in this pic? And why the F is she walking around like that? Check out the dude in the upper right part of the picture... thinking to himself, "Yeah, I'd still hit that."

Sony and the PS3... still reaching

Sony recently launched their new "Home" service for the hurting Playstation 3. They have taken a hard beating for their $600 DVD player and are trying to throw sh*t at the wall, in hopes it will stick.

Technically, it's still a beta and from what we gather, Playstation Home is sort of virtual world with a make believe "you", walking around talking to other fakies.

In the words of a PS3 owner - "I dont see the appeal.. talk to people through a virtual world and pretend to be something you are not... yay. Go outside and meet people"

It's a bit of Sims + Leisure Suit Larry + World of Warcraft.

What's the objective here? How do you beat the game? What is the appeal? And if you actually have a life, will the PS3's Home appeal to you?

For us, sitting on the couch with a controller and a keyboard chatting with other losers doesn't seem like a system seller. But maybe we're missing something.

Hey Sony, where are the games? All of the hot games are on the Xbox 360. And even the good games that have been out for a while on the 360 and supposed to be out soon for the PS3, aren't coming out in the near future for Sony's big, black empty box. They can't even get the 360's leftovers! We feel for those dummies who bought a Playstation 3 as their only next-generation gaming console. They are truly missing out.

We *heart* Ryan Freel

If you don't like baseball, f*ck you and don't read any further.
We kid, we kid!!! (seriously, please come back tomorrow)

But Ryan Freel of the Cincinnati Reds is one of our favorite baseball players. The guy plays balls out, day in and day out.

Example, tonight against division rival Houston Astros - Ryan Feel, playing third base, chases a foul ball about 4 rows deep and lands on a few fans' heads.

Sure he doesn't come up with the catch, but not many professional baseball players would even give that ball a 2nd look. Props to the crazy S.O.B for risking his neck to try and make the play.

Sorry for the crooked angle... we've been drinking.

Happy Nip Slip Monday

Thanks to the fine folks at Egotastic.com for this excellent picture of Natalie Portman and her side boobage, taken recently.

Then this always THIS picture of Natalie nakie in a new movie...

* click to enlarge *

Paris Hilton - Heading to jail the only way she knows how

As you probably know by now, Paris Hilton was sentenced to 45 days in a county jail for violating her DUI probation.

And in Paris Hilton fashion, just days before freedom is taken away - here she is walking down the street while flashing everyone... and giving a few thousand bulldykes a taste of what's coming their way.

Pics of Lindsay Lohan snorting coke

In today's not-so-shocking news - Lindsay Lohan is a coke whore! Sure we've said it in the past, but here's proof!

News of the World not only posted these pics from a video of Lohan snorting some blow in the bathroom, but also talks about how she's flying to NY to fuck Jude Law, among other fun things:

LINDSAY Lohan, fresh from rehab, has been pictured taking part in a marathon cocaine binge.

Sordid snaps of her snorting the drug and shoving it up a pal's nose was taken as she and two friends crammed into a club toilet during a wild night on the town.

Then the Mean Girls star bragged to the others: "I'm going to New York tomorrow to fuck Jude Law."

Now a friend of the 21-year-old actress says she is spiralling out of control since rehab and revealed that Lohan:

SNORTED 20 lines of cocaine in ONE night alone

STRIPPED down to a thong before inhaling the drug off a coffee table

BRAGGED of wild sex sessions with a host of celebrities including singer James Blunt and model Calum Best.

The friend added: "Lindsay does not care who sees her do coke and where she does it." And she has not managed to stay off the booze either.

"She carries round a water bottle to try to fool everyone into thinking she is clean but she tips the water out and refills it with vodka and soda.

"I remember looking at her and thinking how pathetic she looked and how out of control she had become. When she is on coke, which is most of the time, all the attention has to be on her.

"I have lost count of the number of times I have watched as she stripped naked in front of everyone. Then she loves to check herself out in the mirror as she parades around with her boobs hanging out.

"One night we had gone back to her place and, as always, as soon as she walked through the door she stripped down to her thong, bent down and snorted cocaine off her coffee table and then off her toilet seat."

More pics below.

Matthew McConaughey is Still Crazy

Flynetonline.com posted these recent pictures of Matthew McConaughey, doing what he does best - working out with a gay headband and looking like he's from another planet.

We've posted Matthew McConaughey news in the past, mainly because the dude is just so freakin out there and insane.

It's good to see things haven't changed with the one time "World's Sexiest Man Alive"

"Sure, I'll let you put this many fingers up my ass"

Newsweek has a sense of humor

MSNBC.com today posted a story from the latest Newsweek mag talking about cheerleading and how its popularity is bigger than ever. Screw the story though. The only part worth noting is the picture used at the top of the story (above).