Cooter Fright?!

What other word(s) would you use to describe Pam Anderson's expression as she checks on her Virginia?

Worst Retirement Ever - Jay-Z Returns

Jay Hov, Hova, Jigga, Young Hov, William H., Sean Carter, Jay-Z... whatever you want to call him, he sucks at retiring. In a recent interview with Entertainment Weekly, the hip-hop genius, Def Jam CEO, NJ Nets co-owner and multi-millionaire says that ''It was the worst retirement, maybe, in history..." And plans to release a new CD, titled Kingdom Come, this Fall. We can't wait!

Britney's New Son Name Confirmed

Sutton Pierce Federline is the name of Brit and K-Fed's new baby boy, according to People magazine.

We wonder what the deal is with the initials S.P. (Sean Preston and now Sutton Pierce). Either way, it's not as over-the-top as other celeb baby names, so we'll let this one slide!

Rumor is, Brit and K-Fag are working on baby #12 (well, 12 for him, 3rd for her).... we kid, we kid.

Funny News Headline of the Day

If you don't want to click here, all you need to know is the title of the article, which reads
New Zealand Finds Black Cocks Hard to Swallow.

And accoring to my ex-girlfriend, New Zealand isn't the only one.

Today's WTF Picture Moment

... not quite sure we get this, but we sure do love bacon!
Where's the line begin?

Happy Girl on Girl Friday!!

Oooh yes bitches and bitchettes, it's that time again. The weekend is right around the corner and we're here to kick it off the only way we know how. Happy Girl on Girl Friday and thank you all for the love and support. Keep the emails and feedback coming and have an excellent weekend.

Today's "Anorexia Kills" Picture Moment

WTF happened to Kate Bosworth? We loved her in Blue Crush (below), but this corpse look just ain't working.

That fucking Nicole Richie bitch is ruining all the hot chicks in Hollywood.

Rejection Sucks When It's Staring You in the Face

They say a picture is worth a thousand words...
DON'T MAKE A LEFT JESS!

Justin Timberlake Loves His Fans

The look on JT's face here is priceless during MTV's Biggest Fan contest. These 2 hotties sure know how to bring sexy back! (click to enlarge)

Study Shows Drinkers Make More $$ Than Non-Drinkers

Finally, a study I can relate to!

Forbes.com recently touched on a study conducted by the Journal of Labor Research and Reason Foundation which shows that drinkers earn 10 to 14% more money at their jobs than nondrinkers - and men who drink socially, visiting a bar at least once a month, bring home an additional 7% in pay, according to a new study.

“Social drinking builds social capital,” says Edward Stringham, Ph.D., an economics professor at San Jose State University, and co-author of the report. “Social drinkers are out networking, building relationships, and adding contacts to their BlackBerries that result in bigger paychecks.”

We'll drink to that study.

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Why Dogs Hate Humans

Some people go a bit too far with treating their pets as if they were their children and deserve to be punched. I'll can pretty much let these pictures do the talking. (click to enlarge)

Whitney Leaving Bobby... for Osama?

In today's "too little, too late" news - Whitney Houston has filed for divorce from husband Bobby Brown.

The sad part is, if this news broke about 10 years ago we'd think "Good for Whitney! He's such a bad influence." But lately, it's Whitney who's life has been completely out of control with the drinking and drugs.

The most completely insane and fucked up part of this whole story, has to do with the world's most notorious terrorist, Osama bin Laden. According to this story, Bin Laden is so obsessed with Whitney Houston that he's even considered putting a hit on Bobby Brown. While that shit seems too wacko to be true, it's pretty damn funny. We can only imagine Osama kicking back, watching The Bodyguard and crying every time Whitney sings "I Will Always Love You".

President Bush to Meet With Kazakhstan President Thanks to Borat

Following up on our "One of the Funniest Movies You Will Ever See" post, it looks like fictional character Borat has pissed off the Kazakhstan government. They're so pissed off, that the Kazakhstan president is flying to the US to meet with President Bush to discuss the upcoming release of the movie Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan.

The Kazakhstan president has confirmed his government will buy "educational" TV spots and print advertisements about the "real Kazakhstan" in a bid to save the country's reputation before the film is released in the US in November.

Read the full article here

Maybe actor Sacha Baron Cohen and the folks at 20th Century Fox should be thanking the Kazakhstan president for the free publicity, because this is great.

Today's WTF Did I Just See on TV?

What little girl doesn't love Barbie? What little girl doesn't love to glam herself up, just like Barbie? And what girl doesn't love to pick up dog shit, just like Barbie?

We shit you not (pun definitely intended), Barbie now comes complete with a dog (named Tanner) and treats that you can feed Tanner. Within seconds, Tanner poops out the treats and Barbie can use her included pooper scooper to clean up the little turds!

Click here to view the video (click the "Tanner Dog" pic)

Apple Introduces TINY New iPod Shuffle

Apple introduced a few new things today during a keynote speech.

We're not going to get into the details of everything, but we have to point out the newest iPod Shuffle. This thing is way tiny. And the only reason we're posting this is because it reminds us of the hilarious SNL skit with a fake Steve Jobs unveiling the "iPod Micro", which becomes obsolete after a few minutes, and eventually introduces the "iPod Inviso" which is so small, you can't even see it. Check it out below. And for more on the newest iPods, click here or read about other alternatives.

Today's Who Gives a Shit News - Britney Delivers

Britney Spears had her son delivered today via cesarean section.
I really don't have anything to say here because we all truly feel horrible for Britney. If only she could see 5-10 years into the future and see how sad and stupid she is... oh well. Enjoy the 2 kids, the deadbeat dad and his 17 other kids Brit.

P.S. - Brit, we're just bitter because you used to be so freakin hot and let yourself turn into a frumpy, white trash mom. So here's to the good 'ol days.

Botox or Crystal Meth the Culprit?

I'm sure we can agree that Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas (pictured), has a pretty nice body. And I'm also sure we can agree that Fergie has a pretty jacked up face. Bitch looks like a muppet who got hit in the face with a shovel.

Some celeb sites chalk it up to botched Botox jobs while others blame it on genetics. But it looks like the true cause of Fergie's ugly mug is her ex-boyfriend she liked to call Crystal Meth.

She admits in the new issue of Time magazine, ""It was the hardest boyfriend I ever had to break up with," she says. "I dug deep as to why I got there. It's the drug that's addicting. But it's why you start doing it in the first place that's interesting. A lot of it was being a child actor; I learned to suppress feelings."

At least she has all of her teeth... for now. Although something tells us she hasn't truly kicked the habit. Crystal meth, causing singers to piss themselves daily.

Reason 1 of 1 to be a Proud Iowan Citizen

As of 10:30am EST on this Tuesday morning, gas can be had for as little as $2.05 / gallon in Iowa. Let's hope these prices hit your / our town soon!

Brooke Shields Eating Boogers

It's a slow morning here at CooterPunch, so in the meantime - enjoy these pictures of Brooke Shields showing off the new Hollywood diet of picking and eating boogers.
(click to enlarge)

Nintendo Wii - Classic NES Games List

Here's the rumored list of classic Nintendo games available for donwload on the new next-generation Wii system. Not bad for the first batch in our opinion. The Wii is due to be released this Fall.

Bonk’s Adventure
Castlevania
Duck Hunt
Excitebike
F-Zero
Kid Icarus
Legend of Zelda, The
Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
Mario Kart 64
Metroid
Mortal Kombat
New Adventure Island
Ninja Gaiden
OutRun
Pac-Man
Prince of Persia
Punch-Out
R-Type
Rayman 2
Sonic the Hedgehog
Star Fox
Super Mario 64
Super Mario Bros
Super Mario Kart
Super Mario World
Tecmo Bowl

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Cyclist Hit by Car, Then Hit by Another Waiting for EMTs

Bad luck or plain stupidity?

A bicycle rider in South Carolina was in serious condition on Sunday after he veered into traffic and was hit by one car, then struck by another as he waited for an ambulance, according to the state Highway Patrol.

The rider, who wasn't named, was at a local hospital, said Lance Cpl. Kathy Hiles.

He veered into traffic at about 4:30 a.m., she said. Driver Erin Hartness of Anderson struck him with her 1996 Nissan, Hiles said.

Another car struck him again as he waited for Emergency Medical Services, she said.

The second car, a gray Honda with front-end damage, stopped momentarily and then left, she said.

I have no idea why this big dummy sat in the street while waiting for the ambulance. But considering it was 4:30am, something tells me the dude wasn't the most sober biker on the road.

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Steve Irwin as Super Mario - Underwater Video

If you don't want to burn in hell, DO NOT WATCH THIS VIDEO.

Actually, you can watch the video and still not go to hell. But if you laugh at the video, see you on the other side.

Jesus Loves Jenna

At least now I won't feel like I'm being judged while handling my business to a Jenna flick...

Hate the sin, love the stripper.

That's the idea behind a new sign for the Proposition 401 campaign, a large white-and-red banner proclaiming "JESUS LOVES JENNA & GIRLS."

The sign went up Tuesday on the exterior of the Rock Church, an Assemblies of God congregation located in a strip mall across the street from Babe's Cabaret in Scottsdale, AZ

Babe's, of course, is partly owned by Jameson, the world's most famous porn star. The sign was the brainchild of Pastor Dale Gray, who wanted to assure Jameson and the strippers that God loved them despite all that semi-nude dancing.

"In the midst of all the mudslinging that's going on, they need to know that as people we don't hate them," said Melissa Irwin, the church's youth pastor. "I've done a lot of bad things, but it doesn't mean that God doesn't love me and it doesn't mean that somebody else can't love me."

The Rock Church has endorsed 401, which would essentially outlaw lap dancing at Scottsdale strip clubs. The clubs say it would put them out of business. Voters decide the issue Tuesday.

The sign has led to a rare outbreak of good feeling between the clubs and the churches.

"We love them, too," said Lamar Whitmer, a spokesman for the committee opposed to 401, which is funded by the clubs.

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Pope's Parents met via Personal Ad

Pope Benedict's father met his mother by advertising for a wife in a local Roman Catholic newspaper, a German paper reported.

Bild am Sonntag (BamS) said 43-year-old Joseph Ratzinger senior placed an advertisement as a "low-level civil servant" seeking "a good Catholic girl, who can cook and sew a bit ... to marry as soon as possible, preferably with a picture," in a Bavarian paper in March 1920.

Four months later – by now a "mid-ranking civil servant" – he posted a similar notice in the same paper, and this time received a reply from Maria Peintner, the Pope's future mother, BamS reported, citing documents from Bavarian state archives.

The second advert in the Altoetting weekly "Liebfrauenbote" stressed the gendarme Ratzinger's "irreproachable past" and said that while it would be "desirable" if his bride had some money, it was "not a condition" for marriage.

The paper said the couple married in November 1920.

The Pope has recently been quoted as saying he's now way cool with random MySpace hook-ups.

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Kid Destroys Hulk Hogan's Lamborghini - Update 1

A yellow Lamborghini reportedly owned by Terry G. Bollea, better known as Hulk Hogan, caught fire Saturday on Bay Harbor Islands (in Miami). There were no injuries reported.

Information was sketchy about the circumstances leading to Hogan's expensive car catching fire along the 96th Street causeway. The extent of damage to the VT model is unknown.

Bay Harbor Islands police said the driver was a juvenile and the law prohibits the releases of his name. It's unclear if the teen is related to Hogan.

Miami-Dade Fire Rescue officials would only say they responded to a car fire on Saturday afternoon, but declined to disclose any other details.

Efforts to reach the Hogan family were unsuccessful.

MSRP on this bad boy is about $310,000. Is it safe to assume this kid will be punished by way of a date with Hogan's tranny daughter Brooke? .... followed by a size 22 boot to the face and a massive leg drop to his throat.

UPDATE - it looks like Hogan's wife Linda and son Nick were in the car at the time of the "accident". Nick is still a minor, which is why the story couldn't mention his name. Put 2 and 2 together and you've got Hogan's son causing the fire (how??)

Anna Nicole Gives Birth, 20-year-old Son Dies (UPDATE 1)

Daniel Smith, the 20-year-old son of Anna Nicole Smith, died suddenly in the Bahamas on Sunday, three days after the former Playboy Playmate gave birth to a girl, according to a statement from Smith's attorney.

Daniel Smith, who often appeared on his mother's E! cable channel reality program The Anna Nicole Show, was in the Caribbean nation where his mother, 38, gave birth to a girl on Thursday.

A statement also was posted on Smith's official Web site, annanicole.com. "On Sept. 7 Anna Nicole gave birth to a healthy 6 lb., 9 oz. baby girl," it reads. "Her son Daniel was in the Bahamas with her to share in the joy of his baby sister when he passed away suddenly on the morning of Sept. 10.

"We have yet to learn the cause of death but do not believe that drugs or alcohol were a factor. Anna Nicole is absolutely devastated by the loss of her son. He was her pride and joy and an amazing human being. Please do not make any press inquiries at this time so that Anna Nicole can grieve in peace."

Smith, who earlier this year won a U.S. Supreme Court decision to claim her stake in the will of her late husband, billionaire J. Marshall Howard, has not publicly named the father of her second child.

While this is truly sad news for Anna and her family, it will be interesting to see what the cause of death turns out to be. If I was a betting man (and I am), I'd put my money on suicide... or accidental overdose of his mother's pills.


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UPDATE - according to this story:

- Daniel Smith, son of the model and actress, reportedly suffered a "massive heart attack" on the maternity ward in Doctors Hospital.

- According to [a] source, Daniel collapsed and died. The source added that his mother made an unsuccessful effort to revive her son.

- While members of the press were rushed into the conference room, hospital staff hustled the baby out into a waiting van, while Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer, Howard K Stern, rushed to the hospital parking lot at the same time.

- The new mother was never seen, as she was reportedly whisked out of a backdoor exit. Photos of the baby wrapped in a pink and white blanket could not be taken, as all cameramen were diverted into the hospital conference room.

- Daniel's lifeless body was then taken away in a hearse through a side exit.

Awesome TV News - Scrubs on Comedy Central M-F

Scrubs, which in my opinion is the funniest show on TV (sorry The Office) - is being syndicated on Comedy Central, beginning Monday September 18th. Every weekday at 7pm, Comedy Central will air back-to-back episodes. This is great news for fans of the show who were considering buying past seasons on DVD and now won't have to thanks to Comedy Central. A Scrubs marathon will also air on Comedy Central, September 23rd.

The new season of Scrubs kicks off this Fall on NBC

This Tickled

Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis flattens Tampa Bay running back Michael Pittman during today's 27-0 win at Tampa Bay.

I think Lewis actually separated Pittman's upper body from his legs while giving him 6 concussions. It was so sexy that near the end of the clip, I rewind and slo-mo it. Enjoy!
(sorry for the quality, the local news is shown in crappy standard definition)

Happy NFL Kickoff Sunday Bitches!

With all the celeb pics and news, some of you probably thought the CooterPunch crew were flaming homosexuals. So I guess we should come clean. We are gay. We're completely gay for NFL football. And today is our national holiday!! The season officially kicks off today at 1pm. We say officially because the first game was technically Thursday night, but that shit didn't count. TODAY is our day. We'll be balls deep in buffalo wings, oysters and beer from 1pm until we can't see straight. Have a great Sunday hookers and hookettes, see ya soon.