Suri Alien Cruise to Finally be Revealed

Crazy Tom Cruise and hostage wife... I mean, fiance... I mean, beard... Katie Holmes plan to show off their baby Suri in the new issue of Vanity Fair tomorrow.

And unlike Brad & Angelina, who sold their baby daughter's pictures and donated the money to charity, something tells us crazy Tom and hostage Katie will need all the money they can get.

Vanity Fair was obviously the high bidder in the Suri picture sweepstakes. Not that anyone even cares anymore.

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(Update - Suri is now available for the world to see here)

New Logo Submission

We love it!!

Russians Love to Have Sex While Speeding and Drinking

Sticking to our "sex in cars" theme, a recent poll in Russia showed that 25% have had sex while driving.

According to the research, Russians also do not use seatbelts, break speed-limits, drive through red lights, drive drunk and have sex while driving much more often than other Europeans do.

This reminds me of a joke I heard from a Russian guy one day. He told me, "I don't like to get drunk around my wife. It's awful when she doubles."

But after seeing his wife, I'm pretty sure he was serious.

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Kids Watch Man Have Sex With Hooker in Limo

A man and a prostitute in Michigan were having sex inside a limousine. So why's that a big deal? you may ask yourself. Well, most limousines' windows are tinted, so you could do whatever the hell you want inside and nobody will see. But not this limo. This limo was anchored in a trailer park while some guy went to town on a prostitute and within minutes, quite a large crowd gathered around... including children.

Because of the children, the adults yelled at the pair to stop, but they kept on going. At one point, the witnesses noticed the woman in the limo as their neighbor.

And after doing their business, the limo drove off while the woman got out and walked home to her double-wide.

When questioned by police, the woman said "I gotta do what I gotta do for my kids and family."

Unfortunately the article fails to mention that the children watching the action in the limo, were actually her's.

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Happy Labor Day!

Happy Labor Day to everyone. Hopefully the weather is nice where you are and you're able to enjoy today outdoors.

The CooterPunch crew's Labor Day will be looking just like this.
We wish everyday was Labor Day!

Priest Walks On Water ... and dies

A priest in west Africa took his beliefs a bit too far and died while trying to demonstrate how Jesus walked on water.

I don't know if re-enacting stories from the Bible is such a good idea. But I'm sure it's challenging.

In fact, I don't have shit to do tomorrow... I'm thinking about parting a sea... or if I have enough time, building a big ass boat and snatching up 2 of every animal species on the planet.

Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin Killed... by a Stingray

THE Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin, is dead.

He was killed in a freak accident in Cairns, police sources said today.

It is understood he was killed by a stingray barb that went through his chest.

He was swimming off the Low Isles at Port Douglas filming an underwater documentary when the tragedy occured.

Ambulance officers confirmed they attended a reef fatality this morning at Batt Reef off Port Douglas.

Irwin's body is being flown to Cairns.

It is believed his American-born wife Terri is trekking on Cradle Mountain in Tasmania and, as of today, has yet to be told of her husband's death. The couple has 2 children.

Wow, what a shitty way to go out. We figured he'd go out in true style, like getting his head ripped off by a 12 foot crocodile or something.

As weird as this story is, you've got to feel for his wife and kids.

If you plan on cooking out / drinking during the Labor Day holiday on Monday, pour a lil' out for the homie down 'unda and yell out a big 'ol CRIKEY !!!

Celeb Mags Are Out Of Their Minds

Some of these celebrity magazine stories kill me.

The Star magazine is reporting that Katie Holmes is plotting her "escape" from Tom Cruise. Ok, so that's somewhat believeable.

But they take it from "somewhat believeable" to "completely fucking retarded" by tossing in this little tidbit -

I realize there's a ton of competition out there with these mags, but c'mon. Escape by helicopter? Umm, how about Katie just grab the car keys and tell Tom, "Peace out bitch!"

Families of Soldiers Carry Around "Flat Daddies"

It doesn't get much weirder than this.

Maine National Guard members in Iraq and Afghanistan are never far from the thoughts of their loved ones.

But now, thanks to a popular family-support program, they're even closer.

Welcome to the ``Flat Daddy" and ``Flat Mommy" phenomenon, in which life-size cutouts of deployed service members are given by the Maine National Guard to spouses, children, and relatives back home.

The Flat Daddies ride in cars, sit at the dinner table, visit the dentist, and even are brought to confession, according to their significant others on the home front.

``I prop him up in a chair, or sometimes put him on the couch and cover him up with a blanket," said Kay Judkins of Caribou, whose husband, Jim, is a minesweeper mechanic in Afghanistan. ``The cat will curl up on the blanket, and it looks kind of weird. I've tricked several people by that. They think he's home again."

At the request of relatives, about 200 Flat Daddy and Flat Mommy photos have been enlarged and printed at the state National Guard headquarters in Augusta. The families cut out the photos, which show the Guard members from the waist up, and glue them to a $2 piece of foam board.

We wonder if mommy takes cardboard daddy to bed at night.

Cop Arrested for DUI While Driving Patrol Car

A Ventura County cop was arrested for his 2nd DUI this past week.

His latest arrest came while driving his patrol car.

This story would be 10x better if the cop pulled someone over while on duty and hammered out of his mind.